Three Steps to Improve Your Marriage During a Pandemic

Today we have a guest post by my friend and SYMBIS facilitator, Lisa Teichmiller,  sharing Three Steps to Improve Your Marriage During a Pandemic.  Marriage is a beautiful challenge even in the best of times, but during the unprecedented-for-us- times we are enduring, it can be even harder.

Brad and I hit 45 years of marriage this year and we want to encourage you to hold the course, do the work, stay in love because it is WORTH IT!

Lisa knows what she is talking about and here is what she has to say…….

Marriage During a Pandemic

Marriage is not easy as the world is spinning with chaos and fighting a pandemic.  It has changed our social behaviors like Date Night and being with friends.  Lockdowns of virtually every type of gathering place including church, stay-at-home measures instituted to combat the spread of the virus, have forced many families and couples to live in much closer and continual contact than normally experienced.  These added stressors, along with the fact and fear Covid is not going away, have placed demands on marriage far greater than we might be able to handle. 

The three major impacts from COVID-19 on marriage will not surprise you.  First, the most concerning is finances, a huge weight even in normal times.  Second, it changed our everyday routines.  With many people working from home and children with remote learning, there were three meals a day to prepare instead of maybe one. The 24-7 around the clock togetherness brought stress far greater than many would like to admit. 

Worse, spouses who had essential jobs were never home, so they suffered from a lack of connection.  Covid has also brought a form of anxiety to many parents that went unspoken and then formed into resentment within the marriage. And third, it brought depression and fear into our marriages, something many have never experienced together. 

In sorting out the effect of COVID-19 on marriages, it is important to keep in mind that people getting married has been a worldwide decline for decades. 2020 only accelerated this downward trend.  There is no question that Covid-19 has had a major effect on marriage and divorce.

But….there is Good News, too

I want this to be a positive message of encouragement and focus on how we can use this time to strengthen and make our marriages strong and resilient. So, here is some good news. 

Increased commitment and appreciation were higher for couples who saw their financial fortunes fall in the wake of COVID. Some 65% of married adults whose financial situation got worse said the pandemic has made them appreciate their spouse more, and 60% said it has also deepened their commitment to their marriage. For many, especially those who did experience major financial hardship, this tumultuous year has caused them to turn towards, not away, from their spouse. And that may partly explain that the share of married men and women ages 18-55 saying their marriage is in trouble declined from 40% in 2019 to 29% in 2020.

Biblical Wisdom

Job’s words that “man is few of days” remind us that our lives are short compared with eternity. When we are suffering in our marriages, our days seem endless. In this current frustration, I think we make decisions and do things we would not otherwise say and do.

I work with marriages in crisis with a ministry out of Austin, TX, walking alongside women to mentor them through betrayal, abandonment and trauma. Often, I say that Satan comes to steal, kill and destroy your lives.  The latest instrument is Covid to bring us all down. It is hard when our hearts our broken by human sin to believe that our real fight is not with flesh and blood but the evil one himself. 

Being a Christian does not protect us from trouble in our marriages. In fact, the divorce rate between believer and unbelievers is 50/50. I just had a minister share with me a few weeks ago that since Covid hit us so hard, he has had several couples in the church call it quits.

I think Covid exposed the true layers of discontentment that many couples were enduring with busy schedules and operating as two ships that pass through the night. Covid was the hidden iceberg that came along and not only made our world sick, but also exposed the fragile health of our relationships as husbands and wives.  

We can’t hide our sinful desires when our office and children’s classroom are down the hall. If there was ever a sandpaper moment to be exposed, it is when we are with each other 24 hours a day. We can’t hide resentment and disappointment with unmet expectations in these difficult times. 

Hard Truth

You may not see this verse as one that speaks about marriage, but in my own life and marriage it would be fitting and maybe it is for you as well. 

I know I am rotten through and through so far as my old sinful nature is concerned. No matter which way I turn I can’t make myself do right. I want to but I can’t. When I want to do good, I don’t and when I try to do wrong, I do it any way. Now if I am doing what I don’t want to, it is plain where the trouble is: sin still has me in its evil grasp. 

Romans 7:18-20

Let’s face it, we are all selfish and it causes us hardships in marriage and Covid exposed it. 

Three Steps to Improve Your Marriage During a Pandemic

Here are three actions to help your marriage thrive in these difficult times-to help you and your spouse connect. The reason marriages become stale is that we fall into a routine and stop dating each other. And as I mentioned prior, Covid stole our date nights and social life and this is important to all of our marriages.  

So here it goes…..

ONE:

Write a love note or letter to your spouse.

There is something special about receiving a written note or letter.

Share your admiration and love towards your spouse in a sweet card and express not only that you love them but why. I think Covid brings restless fear and it reminds us that our time here is short and that this virus can take a love one at any moment. Let’s take this fear and use it for good by writing the love of our life the reasons why they are so wonderful to us.

Two:

Pray Together

Acknowledge that there are three parties to a marriage. You, your spouse and God!

Pray together and in those prayers you hear the real heart of the person you said “I do “ to years ago. It is no wonder marriages become a slow fade when God is not at the center of it.  A couple that I shared SYMBIS with last year was preparing for their wedding. I challenged them to start praying together leading up to their special day. At their wedding they privately shared with me that this brought them so much joy and added an extra layer of Godly confidence to them as they begin their new life together.

We might pray together when we started our marriage, but as time goes by we can become complacent and do not make this a priority. I want to encourage everyone, start praying together today.

Three: 

Love is a Decision-Decide to Love One Another

Brene Brown in a Ted Talk says that vulnerability is the only way to create intimacy. She says “if we are going to find our way back to each other, vulnerability is going to be that path”. And let’s face it, closeness is the foundation of our marriages.  Covid might have made physical space between us closer, but also brought division from the daily fear of catching it.

And there needs to be an openness from both sides to make this happen. I believe that love is the gift we give our spouses, and we do this through choosing to appreciate each other. Many times in our marriages, our need to be right gets in the way of our desire to be loved.

In these stressful times we need to manage our minds and our mouth. I heard once that we need to place an imaginary masking tape over our mouths and choose love instead.

Marriage Goals…

The verse below is shared in many wedding ceremonies. It was spoken at our son’s wedding while he and his wife braided three strands upon a cross that hangs in their home today as a visual reminder that two are better than one and even stronger with God in the center!

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor:
 If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.
Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

By keeping the Lord at the center of your marriage, His love will continue to grow and bind you as a couple together. We live in a world that is supporting so many untruths about marriage that the challenge today is not only pray together as a couple but be in the word together too. Today maybe more than ever couples must decide if we are going to follow the ways of the world or the truth that God shares with us in this Word.

And remember the enemy is roaming to destroy your marriage, so treasure and guard it well. 

If you have been married a year, twenty-five years or more than fifty, I pray one of these ideas brings a spark to your marriage. And if Covid has brought deep division and hardship to your marriage, please reach out to me for encouragement. I have made it my life mission to be a champion for marriage and would be honored to help find resources and a healthy pathway for you and your spouse. 

Lisa & Bill Teichmiller are SYMBIS (Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts) Facilitators and Lisa is a Harboring Hope mentor for crisis marriages. Lisa and Bill are champions for marriage and share their testimony to encourage marriages to not just survive, but to thrive.  

Want to get in touch?

Website: @symbislovestory.com

Email: mlisateichmiller@gmail.com

Some other great posts about marriage can be found here, How to Be Married Part 2, How to Be Married Part 3

How to Be Married

I hope this post encourages you. Tell us in the comments what you are doing to improve your relationship with your spouse during the time of Covid. Let’s learn from each other, friends!