Mothers-in-Law and Lessons

Hello, Friends!

Mothers-in-law and lessons I want to learn.

Is this an oxymoron?

For years, I have wanted to broach a subject that is mainly off-limits. It is whispered about in groups of women or perhaps screamed about in bedrooms and private car rides. Jokes are made and ever-helpful media basically impresses on us that this person is our ENEMY.

Did you ever watch Everybody Loves Raymond? A funny touchstone of the show was the relationship between Patricia Heaton and Doris Roberts.

Sidebar: Father, please help me not to be that kind of mother-in-law.

If you are married, you have one. If you have children, chances are you will be one.

I’m talking about your MOTHER-in-LAW.

This relationship is so important and it is not an easy one. Even as a young person, I recognized from observing people around me that it was very important to get this right, and a good connection probably wasn’t going to magically happen.

It was going to start in my HEAD with my THOUGHTS and a decision to be INTENTIONAL about it.

Enter My Mother-in-Law, Mary Shull.

Mary was an influence in my life for years before Brad and I started dating. Nancy, Bev and I (Rosemary was much younger) were in 4-h together, and I watched the way Mary encouraged her girls to do things. And I copied it.  She pushed me out of my comfort zone to try new scary things on a county and state level in 4-h and she probably never even knew it. I was quite a copycat, signing up to do things if Bev and Nancy did, and those baby steps of “doing things afraid” broadened my life.

Nancy and I were good friends, so I was in their home a bit even though sleepovers were rare. One time I do remember spending the night, Nancy and I got into trouble for being way too loud after we were supposed to be sleeping. The next morning, Brad announced to me that I talked way too much.

Of course, he also made Nancy and I hide in the floorboard of the backseat of his car when we drove through Newton as he delivered us to high school musical and madrigal practice. He didn’t want his friends to see us when he cruised around the Dog ‘N Suds.

What?

A few short years later, Brad ended up married to that noisy, embarrassing Marrs girl!

Back to the topic….

Do you know about “manuals”?  Manuals are our unwritten books of expectations of how others are supposed to behave and treat us.  We all have them for the people in our lives and they cause us so much trouble! We get our feelings hurt, we get furious, we have so many unmet expectations when people don’t behave how we expect them to. And most of the time the other person doesn’t even know what is happening because they are too busy filtering our behavior through the manual they have written for us!

It is crazy.

I think our mother-in-law/daughter-in-law manuals cause gobs of trouble. And part of the early married years is figuring out how to maneuver this created relationship. I’m sure I did a lot of things wrong and caused unnecessary angst for myself and maybe Mary, too, in the early years of my Shull-ness, but my heart was always to be a good daughter-in-law.

And then I became the mom to three little boys. One day it hit me that I was modeling for my sons how a mom gets along with the wife of her boy. I made the decision that day to step up my game with Mary. Too many times, at least from what I observed in my friends in the early-married years, the wife’s family comes first and the husband’s becomes an afterthought.

I didn’t want that to happen with my own sons, so I decided to prioritize my rapport with my mother-in-law.

Fast Forward to 2021.

Mary’s short battle with pancreatic cancer ended the day after Christmas,and I am so thankful for the friendship that developed between us, especially in the last 10 years or so.

She taught me so many things during the last 44 years of being married to her son.

Here are some of those things:

Lessons from My Mother-in-Law

One: 

Love your husband.

Mary certainly loved Burell. He could be prickly at times, but she saw through all of that and loved him anyway. She worked at his side on the farm many times and amazed me with her knowledge and interest in everything agriculture.

When Burell was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, their life became very difficult, but Mary cared for him in their home for a long time, going to great lengths to keep him happy. When the time came for him to move to Aspen Creek Memory Care, Mary visited him often even though it was very hard for her.

Two:

Have fun together. 

Brad comes from a family of very hard workers. Burell and Mary kept their noses to the grindstone most of the time, but they still had fun together in the everyday things. They took time to mushroom hunt, spent a lot of time visiting with the Tharp family, watched As the World Turns together, and in their later years they enjoyed a good puzzle and game of dominoes.

Three:

Get an education. 

Burell came from a very dysfunctional family, but in spite of it, he and his sisters rose from those ashes of alcoholism and fatherly neglect to become productive citizens, and his sisters were some of the sweetest people I ever knew.

The kindness of an aunt and uncle made all the difference in the world for Brad’s dad and when he was released from the army, he had a dream and goal of getting an education. He attended the University of Illinois on the GI Bill and graduated. If you knew his story, you would know what an accomplishment that was for him.

Mary might not have seemed like a ground-breaker for women, but I think she was. In a time when very few of her peers went to college, she left the farm she loved and moved to Charleston, Illinois, to get a degree from Eastern Illinois University.  She was never employed outside the home except for a few months of filling in as a kindergarten teacher, but the bar for an education had been set.

Four:

Show hospitality.

We spent a lot of time around the dining room table with Mary. First at her house and later, many, many times at our house.

It seemed that during the summer, their house became a bed and breakfast for Burell’s extended family. Many family members who lived away loved to vacation with the Shulls, and I’m sure Mary’s hospitality was a big reason for that. She was a great cook and a creative hostess, making simple things fun.

Many jokes were told around their table and the food was delicious. I learned to love those extended family members, too, and I’m thankful for the opportunity to get to know them around Mary’s table.

The Hidalgo Church or Christ held what they called “gospel meetings” every year and the evangelist and his wife often stayed with Burell and Mary for the week. I can imagine that would have been challenging as well as fun, but I never heard Mary say a negative remark about it.

I probably wouldn’t be so gracious.

Five:

Fix Good Food. 

Mary was known in her family for several signature dishes. I appreciated the way she made simple food seem like a big deal, using what she had on hand. She and Burell were very poor when they first married and she learned how to be quite frugal. I might add that she remained that way her entire life-never leaving an unnecessary light on, letting the rain wash her car, saving coupons for years, never wasting food.  She often brought Daisy, our dog, treats of her leftovers because she couldn’t bear for them to be wasted.

Sidebar: Don’t tell her that there were times I threw rotten apples in the big ditch behind our house.

Here is a partial list of “Mary Food” that brings back good memories for me: peanut butter and syrup, apple snacks, grape drink, homemade popsicles, pink applesauce, grilled meatloaf, meringue boats, pies and more pies, peach jam, hot rolls, deviled eggs, donuts, and her beautiful chocolate candies.

A table surrounded by loved ones is a beautiful place.

Sidebar: Mary also taught me a few tricks like these: Hold the vegetable peeler as a knife instead of using it as a scraper. Put a dishpan under the sick and stash the dirty dishes there. That way your sink always looks clean. Game changer! Also, bread dough can withstand some interesting abuse.

Six:

Keep living. 

A few years after Burell died, Mary made the decision to leave the farm where they raised their family, say goodbye to her garden and her beloved chickens, and move down the road from our house. That was NOT easy, but she did it with enthusiasm and grace.

I watched her build a new life for herself, by herself, and she seemed to blossom.  She became a regular at my Holy Yoga classes even hosting a group of chair yogis in her sunroom, had a regular route of visiting people, and was a regular attender at the Hazel Dell Church of Christ.

She spent many happy hours in her little office working on her memoir and lived long enough to see it published. The copy to edit came during the time when she was first diagnosed, and Bev and Rosemary rushed to get the final edits done. Mary was able to sign copies for her many grandchildren and personally give them to most of them when they visited during her final days.

Seven:

Be open to transformation. 

During the challenging days of caring for a husband with Alzheimer’s disease, Mary began to copy scripture and inspirational quotes on little pieces of paper and place them strategically around her house. She kept that up when she moved to her new home and her bathroom mirror and office space were covered with them.

She trusted the WORD to strengthen her for the tasks at hand.

Reading in general was important to her, and it was rare to leave her house without a stack of articles she had cut out of various sources that she wanted us to read.

Brad saved many of her sticky notes and they are now in various places around our house!

Final Thoughts:

I am not perfect. Mary was not perfect. Our relationship was not perfect, and it changed and grew over time.

Over the years, we were able to work out the kinks, and put down some of the pages of the manuals we had for one another. By the end of her life, we had become very close, and I will miss her very much. She encouraged me, complimented me, participated in things with me, and accepted me as someone who loved her son.  She even jumped into essential oils with me!

Now, I’m the mother-in-law to two great young women, and I’m so thankful for both of them. God has been so good to our family!

When times get a little rough, I want to remember this: Life is long and the people in our life get to grow and change. I hope we are willing to put down our rule manuals and let them.

Read about someone else I loved here: How to Live with Cystic Fibrosis

Tell me something positive about your mother-in-law. Would you?

Big hugs and Much Love!

Susan