I Was So Mean When I Was 9… A Sorry Tale

I was so mean in 3rd or 4th grade. It’s a little fuzzy in my memory exactly when this event occurred, but it definitely happened. 

Our little elementary school, Rose Hill School, was very small-not a one room school, but close. Our building had 4 classrooms and a basement cafeteria with an attached gym. Each room had 2 grade levels and my best friend, Diana, was a year ahead of me. That meant every other year we were in the same room. Those years were my favorites!

I can smell and feel the warm coziness and love in that building right now. We had such kind teachers and staff and yummy homemade food every day. 

Now, it all sounds rather like Little House on the Prairie, but was quite normal for rural schools at the time-at least in our community. Our life, my life at least, revolved around the people in the school and our church. 

What was I thinking to be so mean?

So many of the details of this time period escape me, but one memory stands out-the time I acted more like Nellie Olson than Laura Ingalls. I remember walking around the playground at Rose Hill school with one of my classmates. Sally (not her real name) was poor with all that entailed in the 60’s in rural America. For some reason, I decided to take her on as a project and “help” her with some hygiene issues.

My helping, I’m now quite sure, was hurtful and mean.

I’m ashamed just thinking about it. Who in the world did I think I was? 

Facebook has been no help in finding “Sally” and I’m bummed about it because I would like to apologize to her, to show her kindness, to prove to her I’m no longer a bully .

Is there anyone you would like to apologize to but it isn’t possible? Or perhaps you are the person who would feel relief if you received an apology. Either way, I’m sending you virtual hugs right now. Both are hard spots. 

Granted, I was a child, but I’ve been trying to figure out what was going on in my little heart at the time that made me say things that I probably knew were hurtful? 

Looking back, this was about the time period when we learned my baby sister had Cystic Fibrosis. This news changed our world forever. Thank goodness the prognosis and treatment plans have improved drastically since we got the news. 

My Brain on Fear

Our brains and memories are very interesting, aren’t they? I had just turned 9 when Amy was born on Christmas Day. She was tiny and adorable and very loved.  You would think I would have lots of stories of bringing her home from the hospital and holding her and taking care of her. But I don’t. 

Fear and low level anxiety became a very real part of my life when Amy started getting and staying sick at around 6 weeks. Failure to thrive soon became a horrible diagnosis.

Eventually, we learned that Amy was very sick and there was no cure and the county health nurse told my parents they should institutionalize her because she would only make it to age 12 if we were lucky. I remember that. 

Can you imagine? 

Many times, I have wondered what all of this was like for my sweet mom and dad. They must have been shocked, devastated, scared to death. I don’t recall any conversations with them where they tried to help Karen and I process what it all meant. We didn’t talk about our feelings then. 

Instead, we got busy and went on with life. 

Amy did, too. You can read about her life How to Live with Cystic Fibrosis

Lessons From this Sorry Tale…

What does all this have to do with “Sally”? Well, now I know that fear is the great separator of people and when it takes root in one’s heart, there are consequences. 

The cliche is true: hurting people often hurt others. When we don’t know how to process our pain, or identify our pain, or there is no solution for our pain, we do weird, sometimes mean things. The evidence of it is all around us. 

Unfortunately, I can’t rewind that playground scene and do it differently, but I can do things differently today. I can notice my negative emotions, the sarcastic comment that is on the tip of my tongue, the judgmental thoughts I might be having. Instead of acting on them, I can PPLP.

PPLP

Pause…….get curious about what is going on in my heart.

Pray…..ask God for His wisdom in the situation.

Listen…what is Holy Spirit guiding me to think, feel, say or do?

Proceed….do what He says. 

Your Heart

My heart, your heart, is a powerful place. It is controlling what you think, feel, say and do. And according to scripture it can be an ugly, stony place. We can be blind to what is actually going on in there. 

It is even possible to do all the right things, say all the right things-look great to everyone who looks at us-but have a deceitful, mean, gross heart. We may fool people around us, but we aren’t fooling God.

Did you know there are over 826 mentions of “heart” in the Bible? Proof that it must be a VERY important place. 

Sidebar: “Brain” isn’t mentioned once. “Thoughts” and “mind” are, but not brain. What goes on in our thoughts and mind are connected with our deeper place, our heart. To me, it is another of the marvelous mysteries. 

“For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.” I Samuel 16: 7b

This is really good news even though at first glance it might not seem like it, especially if you are basically faking your way through your own life. 

Let’s stop being fake. Let’s stop lying to ourselves and others. 

God LOVES His children and wants the best for us. He SEES us and KNOWS us and LOVES us anyway. With gentleness and care, He will help us deal with our dark sides and bring all of us into the light.

I want that. Do you? 

I created a course to help us start this process. These ten concepts have been instrumental in what God has been doing in my own heart the last 4 years and I’m so excited to share them with you. 

It’s called the Clean Heart Club.

Complete the 10 videos and the workbook and see what happens. Once you finish the course, you are in the club! Your transformation isn’t finished, but you will be on your way! 

You can purchase the course by clicking right here!